I believe the healing process begins when a person is truly ready to revisit, relive, and forgive anything that they have been unwilling to release.
One of my biggest challenges in life has been learning the “art of letting go”.
Letting go of the anger whenever someone rubbed me the wrong me.
Letting go of the anger whenever someone was rude to me or rude to someone I cared about.
Letting go…letting go… letting it all go!
I’ve read countless self-help books; my iPod is filled to the brim with self-help audiobooks and CD programs; I’ve attended several seminars, online and off, in the hopes that someone would offer up the Holy Grail on how the f**k this could be accomplished.
Maybe if I listened hard enough, these strangers would divvy up the magic pill that would make all the pain, all the anger, all the resentment, all the blame, all the shame… go the f**k away.
Although, I had all the “tools” to assist me with my healing, I was still confused as to how I was to apply them in my life.
Consciously, I wanted to let go. I was going through the motions by ensuring I had this book or that tape. Subconsciously, I was scared shitless.
I was afraid of losing those familiar feelings that had simultaneously offered me comfort whilst causing me pain.
I was so busy going from one tool to the other that I had grown deaf to the messages whispered to me by Spirit.
With all the mind chatter, No-thing could get through to me.
I was so busy trying to live in the NOW while keeping myself anchored to my THEN.
I was so busy looking “outside” myself that I was not listening to my soul. I was not listening to the One tool that had always been at my disposal.
I was so spiritually “broke” that I did not have a pot to piss in.
Having had enough of my painful past, I knew if I did not heal now, my latter years would be even more painful. So, I jumped back on the spiritual wagon… headfirst in the shallow end.
I started praying to everybody!
Hey Mother God Azna…
What up, Lakshmi?
Ganesha, can I get a road opened?
Papa Ellegua… can you hear?
I even spiced up my prayers by adding a dash of the Ascended Masters and a buttload of the Archangels.
I did not stop there. I also burned some smellylicous incense on charcoal briquettes (to appease the nostrils of the Gods), and I rubbed malas to drive it all home.
I wanted to be sure I did not leave anything out.
I also figured I should do a little more than “just” pray, so I dipped into the affirmations pot.
I began repeating a rather lengthy list, twice a day, while burning more candles and incense.
Thinking prayers and affirmations were insufficient, I began chanting Hindu prayers. Thinking, “They must be doin’ something right because so many Westerners think they are more enlightened.”
Although, I was praying, affirming, and chanting like a loon, it still felt like I was missing something.
Then I purchased one pendant (talisman/amulet) after another.
I was wearing crystal wands, Hindu Goddesses, Buddhist charms, Reiki symbols, and I even thought about buying another crucifix.
My head was hanging so low that it seemed as if I was in a constant state of prayer [aka begging the “higher ups” to help a sistah out].
I even wore a glove on my left hand so I could sleep holding my gemstones.
Talk about craycray!
Still not satisfied, I gave the ancient practice of Ho’oponopono a whirl.
I was apologizin’, thankin’, beggin’ for forgiveness, and lovin’ like never before.
This particular practice was initially an extremely difficult pill to swallow.
To think that what was irking me about someone or something else was actually something that existed within me was not what I wanted to hear.
It was not until I made quieting my mind and listening to my soul a higher priority on my “Things to Do Before I Croak” list that the messages started to come through.
A lot of the time, they came in the form of dreams, and a lot of them were bizarre as hell. I tried interpreting them based on the definitions I read in dream books, but nothing made any sense.
So, I put dream interpretation aside and got serious with my meditation practice.
Lacking confidence, I opted to meditate with music. I felt I had too much mind chatter with which to contend, and I needed a “distraction”.
In ‘07, I purchased the Awakening Prologue from Centerpointe Research Institute, founded by Bill Harris, one of the teachers from The Secret.
As I gift, I received two soundtracks, Making Change Easy and Super Longevity. Both are infused with inaudible affirmations.
I figured now was as good a time as any to give them another whirl.
What. The. Fuck!
Through all of this, I am still learning that what may work for some people (e.g. empty-mind meditation, affirmations, etc.) may not necessarily work for others… like me.
I am discovering that I do love chanting. It is the only time I can “sing” out loud and not cause the neighborhood dogs to howl, or for PoPo to be called.
I am discovering that reconnecting with a part of me that has been dormant for too long… offers me everything I had been searching for all these years.
I love the increased peace and deeper sense of knowing that I am experiencing through these reflective moments.
I have learned to listen to the whispers that tell what does and does not move my soul.
Having an empty-mind while meditating may sound ideal, but by enjoying being the observer to whatever thoughts come my way, has been illuminating. It is these observations that have granted me the deeper insights into my past and inspiration for my present.
“Be aware of distractions, but don’t be distracted by them.”
– MICHAEL BERNARD BECKWITH
Like a lot of people, I am easily distracted…. like a dog when it sees a ball… or a squirrel… or its tail wagging.
These distractions led me to “consult” with psychics or channelers because I did not believe in my own abilities.
I was envious of their ability to always be “tuned in and tapped in”. I wanted their gifts because I did not believe I possessed them.
I even seriously contemplated banging my head against something hard in hopes that my own latent psychic abilities would be awakened, but I found the prospect of being locked up for being a complete ass-turd… simply unappealing.
I have since grown to really love many of the divination tools I once shunned. I have also accepted that I too am a channel, and writing and speaking is how Spirit expresses itself through me.
The truth really does stare you in the face, right?